I was dancing the sorrow out of myself, wishing the DJ would never stop playing. Fifth day in a row. Carnival was the chock treatment I chose in order to heal from what I had been feeling. Eyes closed, heart wide open, I was a dancing goddess, glad to be in another state of consciousness... till I felt a familiar arm grabbing my waist and his voice in my ear:
- You know you rock, don't you?
I opened my eyelids slowly, almost afraid of what I was going to see.
As I proceeded my way down the stream of memories he arouses in my mind, all I could do not to seem like a completely idiotic person was jumping right into his hug. I knew it would be a dangerous thing to do. Whenever we got together like that, close enough for us to feel each other's heartbeat, I'd spend the next week trying to get my head out of his beauty. This one, though, only lasted long enough for me to think of a semi-clever thing to say. It lead to another hug, followed by a kiss in the cheek.
I believe it was the first time he kissed me in such a brotherly way. When we were friends, I remember, all our touches were arousing, there was a constant desire in the words we uttered. We were fire on fire, even on the night he made clear that would be the last one we'd share. And so this little kiss was both chocking and relieving.
But then... he did it: stared into my eyes deeper than I could ever explain; touched the back of my neck somehow between soft and harsh; got indecently close to me.
- Yesterday was my birthday.
I laughed about how this whole increase of sexual tension culminated in such a non-sexual statement. It made me happy to learn that there's nothing there to save. And it made me think that... for some reason I'll probably never know, the universe wanted me to celebrate it with him.
Even though we no longer coexist, he was certainly something in my life. I used to count the hours to the moment we'd see each other again. He used to drive me home as slow as he could so we'd have more time to talk. We used to share so much of ourselves, things we never thought we'd feel like expressing in words. It was the most peaceful period I experienced since getting back to this town.
So I gave him the biggest of the hugs and wished that all the goodness in the universe would enlighten his way. In silence, I prayed for him to come back to my life one day. But only when we can make each other grow again. When we are on the same tune. When the air around us isn't filled up with the unnecessary load of things unsaid.
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